No one is an island (Part 1)

So this may prove to be a long post. I'll try to break it up so that it's more manageable. Maybe do it in 3 parts so I can get caught up.

It's been over a year since I last blogged. A lot has happened. Good, bad, ugly, and bright.

For a quick summation: H and I are now married. So he'll be DH from now on. This blog for now has been anonymous, but after some contemplation I think I'm going to open it up. I need to be transparent, and I'm realizing that while not everyone will "get it" my life isn't for anyone else to "get." It's for me and my family.

If you're just tuning in, feel free to go back and read the previous blog posts. You'll find some surprises in there -- like why I started this blog in the first place.

For the now, DH and I were married in May. I've add the title of wife and full-time, custodial stepmom of 3, part-time custodial of 1. We get SS10 during the summers and holidays; the relationship with his mom and stepdad are good. They're both great people and they are raising a phenomenal boy. In fact, having him around during the summers makes it easier for me to deal with the younger 3. He's wiser beyond his years.

For the younger 3, I'm full-time custodial stepmom. Their mom (TM) gets them every other weekend (EOW) and all holidays during even years; Mother's Day, and gets to see them on their birthdays. Odd years, we get all holidays. DH gets Father's Day. Christmas is split 50/50. First half goes to Mom during even years -- drop off is 12/26 and we get them for the second half. The kids live with us the rest of the time. They go to school in our district. I have them most of the time as dad works long hours as a general car sales manager. I now work remotely, full-time as a senior medical writer, and daycare drop-offs/pick-up, car-line, gymnastics, awards days, doctors visits, vomit, swimming lessons, dinner, baths, 103 degree-middle-of-the-night-fevers, lunch making, laundry, cleaning, and anything in between falls to me. I love my husband and my kids. MY KIDS. They're with me the most of any of their relatives -- dad, mom, grandparents. They are mine -- not of my womb, but of my heart. I am responsible for them. I am in charge of their care. They are on my health insurance, are considered our dependents for tax purposes, and I and DH are the ones putting on bandaids and fighting monsters in the closet.

I don't say this to slight anyone else. It's just the facts of MY life. OUR life. My life doesn't revolve about TM (probably much to her surprise). I just don't have room for her or her actions in my mind.

My kids drive me nuts as only they could drive someone who cares about them could. If I wasn't irritated by their habits (or able to tune out or able to differentiate what cry I just heard), then they would just be strangers in my house. They aren't strangers. These little people with big attitudes and huge personality have invaded my heart. They are mine. I dare anyone to tell me different.

That being said, there's a lot that I have no control over as a step mom. Things that if I were their biological mom, I wouldn't have to consider. Things like when a stranger refers to me as "mom" and SD8 pops back with "well, she's really our stepmom." Or when I'm questioned at the doctor's office as to whether they can be treated because I'm "only" the stepmom and not their biological parent. These are the daily microaggressions I have to fight against. I've learned to keep my mouth shut when the "stepmom" word comes out. Honestly? Because that's what I am. I am stepmom. I own the title. I also know the truth and the duties and joys that come with being in their lives the majority of the time.

That I'm the lucky one. I get the pictures on the phone. I get to sit at the gymnastics days and award days and volunteer for snacks at school. I get to sign them up for swimming lessons and be there when SS6 FINALLY puts her head under water and finds her brave. I get to do the tickles and dress shopping and hear the good nights and I love yous. I'm blessed beyond measure. Not only because a few years back I was wanting to be a mother SOOOO BADLY. I forever longed for a large family. And guess what? Now I have one. It's not an "instant" family or  a "first family." The dynamics are way different. When signing up for Saturday events, I have to ask their dad, then he has to ask TM. When discipline happens, I have to remind them, our house has rules XYZ. It's okay if at your mom's you're allowed to do ABC, but not here (and vice versa).

So this is our current status: I have 4 kids in the house this summer. SS3 is in daycare during the day; SS6 and SS8 are at daycamp. SS10 goes with his grandpa or stays home with me since he can be quiet and is old enough to entertain himself, fix his own lunches, and hang out while I work. DH is working 8-until the last deal is done. Most nights he's home by 9 or 9:30. I'm thankful when he shows up "on time" or early. I cherish our Sundays together, since that's usually the only day he has off. And me? I'm managing work and health issues (more on that later) and pressure to wear the SuperMom Cape. In part 2, I'll write about what's REALLY going on behind the scenes. But on the surface, life is good.