So I left off hinting about my health. If you've read previous blogs from last year, you know that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a tinge of depression. In the last year, I found stability (for the most part). I've had maybe 1 panic attack that I can think of. The meds, the therapy have HELPED. I'm sane with them. Because I had gone a year stable, and because with an impending marriage, and me thinking (stupid me) that we'd be getting pregnant soon, Dr E and I decided to wean me off the clonazepam. It's a class D drug and not recommended during pregnancy because of known risk of cleft palate (in RABBITS).
So I began to wean in March. Stupid. STUPID me. By the end of April and with a wedding coming up, I was completely off the clonazepam. Still on the fluoxetine (Prozac), but no benzo for the anxiety. BIG MISTAKE.
Let's just say that in the last two months, I was the Jekyll to my husband. Yelling, irratibility, crying jags, moments where I felt nothing, moments where I just wanted to be alone forever. Emotional Rollercoaster #viviangreen, for real. Not only that, I started to lose productivity at work. My migraines began to increase. I was having a migraine ever 2-3 days. Days where light or noise or any of the things that constitute daily living were like a jackhammer in my head. With a husband and 3 kids (at the time), I was in hell. Sundays would come and all I could do was sleep. There were days when dinner constituted junk food paradise for the kids (chips, popcorn, chocolate milk, candy...whatever they wanted). And my work continued to decline.
Last week came the reckoning. I realized that I was losing control and quickly. I felt like I was going insane and something was going to snap (likely me). I fortunately had my regular 3 month checkup with Dr E already scheduled. Realizing I would need more than just meds -- I needed to vent -- I reached out to Dr. M, who was able to fit me in on her lunch hour. THANK YOU DR. M!! I really, truly think she saved my life on Monday. I vented. I cried a bit. I talked. She listened. She didn't judge. She hugged me twice. She congratulated me on the marriage. She inquired about the children, TM, my parents, DH, his parents -- I mean, it ALL came out. I walked out of there lighter.
I followed up that appointment with 30 minutes with Dr. E who quickly shook her head and my relapse since weaning off the clonazepam. So back on it I went. She called in my normal meds. Gave me a script for the benzos and back from Raleigh I drove. Honestly, I could probably change doctors since all 3 of my care providers are in Cary/Chapel Hill, but they're so good that I don't want to. I'm willing to make the 2.5 hour drive. So if you need a psychologist or a psychiatrist who are WORTH the drive, and who I won't give up? Shoot me a message. I will definitely recommend them.
Since then, I'm feel much better. I'm sleeping again. I'm breathing again. I'm able to keep calm and not be irritated by the milk on the floor or the cereal spilled on the counter. I'm writing this blog again. I'm swimming again. Heck, I feel almost normal. I still have moments. But now instead of flipping out, I can do my breathing exercises and calm down. I can put on music or spray some calming spray that I have called Temple Spa and just BE. My DH is thankful. I've apologized to him about the last month or two, but ladies and gents, he's been a gem. I'm thankful to have him. I'm grateful he is there. He's my rock. And I'm thankful we exchanged vows in May.
So where does that leave me now? I'm on meds for the foreseeable future. I'm handling married life and 4 kids and a semi-clean house. I'm conquering the laundry pile. And I survived a harsh but enlightening performance review at work. I thankfully, have an understanding boss. I took advantage of his grace and mercy and trust -- and now can't do that anymore. But I don't have to. I'm back on it. And I feel much better. Hopefully as the meds get more in my system, it'll get better. I'm not planning on coming off them even if I get pregnant (which won't be for awhile). Me on meds is worth any small minute risk versus me being off meds and having a mental breakdown. At the most, Dr. E has said she could switch me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it....
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