It's been a rainy month so far. But the rain has brought some changes and has washed away some things...
First of all, I'm searching for a new job. The distance from H and the little things that were annoying me with my job have now been amplified. As therapy has gone on and I have become honest with myself, my job/career path is not going where I wanted it. There have been a lot of great things about my job. The location, the pay, the merit bonuses, the benefits, the coverage of various areas, the ability to multitask, my boss. There have also been some challenges: the cubicle land of hell, the gossip, the lack of privacy, the noise, my boss got promoted and I'll have a new boss soon, the pettiness of coworkers, and the land of never-ending narrative reviews.
It's time. I've been in my position for a little over 2 years, and the more I progress in this field/job course, the farther I'll get away from what I love, which is writing. So I'm starting to look for new positions that would allow me to write, but also be 90-100% remote. It's not easy finding a position like this, so I've been praying and crossing fingers for good timing and a blessing.
Stay tuned for that development.
Other changes this month: H now has temporary sole custody of his younger 3 children. Before it was a 50/50 split. Now he has a great (read: pricey) lawyer, a great case for permanent sole, and a list of hearings/mediations to attend over the next few months. This was the result of some really unstable behavior on their mom's part which landed her in legal trouble. She now has been regulated to limited visitation every other weekend (EOW), with no overnights.
This now means that every weekend when I see H, the kids are there. Which leads me to the next big change. I now have CARSEATS in my car!!!! Yup, a 5 point harness, and two backless boosters. I've also ordered a kickplate for the backs of my seats so that they don't get mud all over my brand new car. The carseats are for those few times when I need to pick them up from grandma's at the end of the night or make a quick transfer. It's also for safety reasons, in case they're in my care and I need to go somewhere. Safety first!
It's also brought up changes in my car situation. When H's oldest son gets here for the summer, he can't sit in my car because there's no room for a 9 year old, and he can't sit in the front seat. So there may be a minivan in my future, especially if we end up married with another kid (for a total of 5).
Lastly, an update on my mental health. I've been on anti-anxiety meds and in therapy for a little over two months now. It has helped tremendously. I still have anxiety. The official diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder with a tinge of minor depression. I was prescribed clonazepam (Klonopin) and fluoxetine (Prozac). Most days my anxiety is at a 2 or 3. I can breathe through whenever it rises. I now meditate daily. I listen to relaxing music. I have been eating better. And I am sleeping 8-9 hours a night now - no more insomnia! I really try to focus on breathing and drinking plenty of water. The result? I've lost 9 lbs in two months without trying.
I still have some low energy sometimes. So I haven't ran in months. I really miss it. But I have started walking and I got back into one of my loves - gardening. H has moved into a new rental and the yard has a huge 32x6 flower bed that needed some TLC. Even though it's a rental, the landlord didn't care if we redid the bed, and boy did it need it! I've enjoyed taking some of my stress out on the dirt and roots and mulch, while we've stripped the bed. It's been very therapeutic.
So that's about it. There's my update. H and I are doing well considering. There's a lot of stress and anxiety between the two of us - just because of all the changes and newness. But I'm encouraging him to get into therapy himself. He could use it. I walk out of each therapy session with my psychologist loads lighter. And she gives me a lot to think about. She's not all peaches and cream; she's hit me with some hard questions to think about and challenge me. But it's been good.
I hope to update more than every few months.... more to come!
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