2015: The Year of Anxiety, Joy, Stress, Happiness, Excitement, Anticipation, and Fear

A lot will happen in 2015.  I can feel it.

With that feeling comes anxiety, joy, stress, happiness, excitement, anticipation, and fear. To be honest, so much happened in 2014, that I am overwhelmed at my current life. I could have never imagined that I would be where I am today.  Last year, this time I was actively planning to become a single mother by choice. I was tracking my cycles and reading everything I could get my hands on surrounding fertility, choices, childbirth, and financial planning. Today, I am 8 months into a serious relationship with a divorced dad of 4 children. I have left the potential SMC life in the background and have forged ahead with the goal of having a baby in the usual way. Except nothing is the usual right now. By dating a dad, I have embarked into the world of being an eventual step mom. I prefer the term "bonus mom" but nevertheless, these kids who are now in my life are not my biological children. I love their dad very much. I am immersing myself in the lingo of the stepmom/second wife/current wife world, and wooo boy is it a learning curve. And I am getting to know these 4 miniature, but growing, pieces of him.

As time goes on I may say more about the kids. Right now, I feel like it's not quite time and I'd like to maintain some privacy with them, but maybe it'll happen in 2015. Going forward, you will definitely hear me talk about "H." This blog won't primarily be about him and the kids, but I'm sure it'll come up a time or two.

By far, the best thing that happened to me in 2014 is meeting H. H is 32 and a great dad. I'm actually older than him by 4 months. In the last 8 months, we have gotten closer and are really learning what we're both made of. Dating a dad isn't easy. It's not for the faint of heart. But H makes it worth it. He's compassionate, a good communicator, a hard worker, resilient, and understanding. He's been amazingly honest with who he is, where he's come from, and what he's been through. He has been forthright with his faults. His failures. I believe that who he is has been a result of having been through so much. And that, in turn, has made our relationship better because he is who he is. H is the 4th child of 6. He has two older brothers, an older sister, a younger brother, and a younger sister. His parents and 3 of his siblings live close by. He has a great support system, and they've welcomed me for the most part. My parents were able to meet him at lunch over the holidays. They both like him, but I think my mom is holding out final judgment until she gets to know him better. My mom, the skeptic.

When I first started dating H, I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive that he has 4 kids. What's more, he has 4 kids from 2 moms (his oldest lives with his mom in Florida, and his younger 3 kids lives with him). But as time has gone on, I am confident that I'm with the person I was meant to be with. As we grow, my hope is that our relationship will weather whatever comes our way. Good and bad. We aren't in a rush for anything, marriage or baby. My baby itch remains and at times it's really strong, but for now it has settled into something that can wait a few more years. H wants another child. I think I'd be okay with 1 to round the number out to 5 total. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For now, my life is full. Full of anxiety, joy, stress, happiness, excitement, anticipation, and fear. Anxiety because my anxiety hasn't gotten any better in the last year, and I'm currently working on managing it and the Stress of life (a blog post to come). Joy, Happiness, and Excitement are all the things I feel when I think about my relationship with H. And Fear? Fear of failure. The magnitude of what we are in the midst of embarking on. There's more in this relationship that just me. There are 4 children who's lives are and will be impacted.

So this is 2015: The Year of Anxiety, Joy, Stress, Happiness, Excitement, Anticipation, and Fear.

Let it be.