The Struggle is Real

One of the things that I promised myself when starting this blog was that I would be honest with myself. So far this blog is anonymous, but though I'm anonymous right now, eventually the plan is to share it with my friends and family. I also have a physical journal that I started to help with planning, but this will be more of my thoughts. And while this isn't necessarily related to trying to conceive, my issues and general health and lifestyle will be a part of this blog. So in being honest, I have to say that...

I have anxiety.

This is not a new struggle. It's definitely not novel because millions of people deal with anxiety every day. But it will be new to friends and family because it's new to me saying it out loud. I have anxiety. My anxiety stems from many things I think - stress, job, MONEY, hormones, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, closed-in spaces, the weather. I'm not putting any blame on one thing. And I'm not looking for excuses. I don't think anxiety or any mental illness is about blame or excuses. But I do want to acknowledge the multitude of reasons that could send me into a panic attack or at least cause the elephant sitting on my chest- heart palpitations and sweaty palms. I've had anxiety since high school. Maybe even earlier than that. But the first time I recognized my anxiety was in high school, senior year. I spent most of the fall of my senior year depressed and anxious. I almost lost a friend due to it. I almost committed suicide (Yikes! Did I just admit this). I felt alone and awkward and unstable. And then it passed. For years, I would struggle off and on but survived and functioned okay. I made it through college. Grad school. I had occasional panic attacks or moments of serious anxiety (heart palpitations, sweaty palms, dizziness) but I thought I was "OK." I also started to have migraines.

And then I found myself in an unhealthy relationship right out of grad school. During this relationship, a lot of good things happened but it wasn't a healthy relationship. I gained weight, my migraines increased, I stopped running, and I got used to walking around on eggshells to avoid setting off my verbally abusive boyfriend. About this time, I really started to struggle with insomnia. I also had my first really bad panic attack in years. I was depressed. I think my doctor realized it before I did. She prescribed changing my birth control pills, getting my thyroid tested, changing my diet and getting back into running. She also told me to examine my relationship and whether it was healthy. She mentioned therapy and meds, but I balked at it.

About this time, it was New Years Eve and my boyfriend attacked me verbally again. This time it was in public and in a hotel. I ended up crying all night in our hotel room and he apologizing. The argument was over a coat. I had bought him one for Christmas and yet he still wore his old ratty one. When I asked why he wasn't wearing the coat, he exploded. While I never was physically abused, things like this - small things -would set him off for hours of verbal abuse. Which I took. But this time, I saw the look on another guest's face. His eyes asked me if I needed help. I shook my head no and tried to exit the lobby where it started. We made it back to the hotel room and as he finally calmed down, I realized how embarrassed I was. How dumb I was being for a smart person in allowing it. How this relationship wasn't healthy.

Needless to say, we are no longer together. We broke up about a year later. Yes, a year. It took me that long to dig myself out of the hole. During that year some good things happened despite the bad, I moved to the Philadelphia suburbs and started a new job. I met a coworker who is a SMC during this time as well. I found enjoyment in my new career and started to make new friends. The weight was starting to come off. I found a new running partner. And when I finally did break up with my boyfriend, it was like a veil was lifted. But the migraines and anxiety remained.

Then December 2012, I was laid off from my wonderful job. Many of my coworkers were too. My stress level went through the roof. I couldn't sleep over worrying about money. And even though I had a severance package and resources to find another job, I was not in a good place. Depression for a few weeks set in. But I found a new job. Moved again. Met a new guy. Life was starting to go up again. Still dealing with the migraines and anxiety at each step, but functioning. I knew I had a problem, but I could manage it, right?

My anxiety has no rhyme or reason. This week has been a good week. Lately, I've gotten news of more responsibility at work (Good), a good performance evaluation from my boss (Good), news of not having to owe taxes (Good, although stressful), and I'm pretty upbeat most of the time. But then there are times like last night when for no logical reason, I have anxiety. I feel it sitting over me like a cloud. It sits on my chest like an elephant. It constricts my heart and churns my stomach. Last night, I felt it before my swimming lesson. After swimming, it was better but still there. I went to bed around 1 am and woke up around 8. And there it was. Anxiety. Then I opened my work email and there was one small problem with a client and I could feel it spill over. Anxiety attack. 9:20 am.

I breathed my way through. Tears happened. My heart and head pounded. And then it finally hit me. I don't have to be like this. It doesn't have to be like this. I can get help. I NEED to get help. And I will. I will have one more thing to discuss with the nurse practitioner at my wellness appointment. I think it's time for therapy, if not meds. I don't really want meds. But I can't continue to have anxiety like this. It's affecting my work and life and my HEAD is about to explode with the number of migraines and tension headaches each month.

The struggle is real, folks. Anxiety sucks the life out of me. And it's pervasive. It seeps into everything I do. I'm a happy person, upbeat, encouraging. For others, to others. But I'm hard on myself. I pick at my faults, ruminate on the negatives, and amplify my own imperfections.

So as I'm dealing with the planning of TTC on my own, I'm also dealing with anxiety. It's a part of my story.