Another month. Not pregnant. Ugh.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
Summertime Sadness
I'm a little blue today. I found out Thing 1 is going back home with his mom on Thursday. We won't see him again until Thanksgiving. I'll miss him. He's truly a great kid. He evens out the personalities of the other 3. He's helped me keep my sanity this summer. I'm going to miss him a lot.
So I have a couple more days to spend with all 4 of my not-so-littles. Bittersweet.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Summer colds
Thing 3 has shared her cold. Of course, I and Thing 4 are the ones who are hacking and sniffling and sneezing the longest. But today MIL volunteered to have 3 out of 4 kiddos so now it's just me and big little guy. We're watching Transformers: Rescue Bots and coughing together.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Motherhood is..
I've stumbled many times over the last year as I've sought to find my place in my stepkids lives and vice versa. I've had to learn them and they learn about me. My pride has had to die. My humility and perseverance and patience are daily tried. Children will challenge you and stretch you.
This week was tough. Thing #4 decided to threaten a little girl...one of his friends...at daycare. After a weekend of stern talking to and reminders all week, we made it through without anymore threats of violence. To him, he was playing. To me it means no more watching Walking Dead or Criminal Minds when he's in the room. Absorbant little sponge.
Then his sister had a field trip to the local sheriff's department through camp. One officer, admittedly wrongly, told a story that frightened the kids. It was inappropriate. One email, a phone call later it was straightened out. My mama bear instinct came out.
Thing #3 started out the week with a cold which she kindly shared with the household. With me and Thing #4 getting the worst of it. Thing #3 also decided to exercise her right to freedom of speech and said Oh my freaking God on the bus at camp which for her really sounds like the other F word. So she gets off the bus in trouble for possibly saying the F word.
Needless to say when I dropped them off for their weekend with mom, I was tired and a bit relieved. But also worried. Thing #4 had slept with us the night before his cough was so bad. I admittedly gave him a small dose of cough syrup to get him to settle (he's the size of a 4 year old, that counts right?). He was so miserable without meds. I slathered him down with Vicks too. Because these little people are with me most of the time, I hate sending them off somewhere when they're sick. I know their mom is more than capable of taking care of them...it's just I worry about them while they were gone.
Well off they went and I went to run all the errands I'd been putting off. I returned and picked up some office supplies for work. I filled the van with gas, cleaned it out a bit, then got Starbucks. I visited Chris at work to see him since I knew he'd be working late. I came home and went for a long needed run. I ate. I showered. I read. I was asleep by 10. Bliss.
Today I slept in. Chris headed off to work around 8 and I went back to bed. The lawn guys woke me up at 10:30... so off to the atm to get them their payment. Come back, it's pouring raining and lightning. I decide, Hey! Forget laundry. Let's go to the movies. So off to the island to the local theatre to see Finding Dory. Absolutely adorable and funny movie, btw. Just what I needed. Finished that and was.able to peruse a non kid Friendly gift shop. Bought 2 Christmas ornaments, a banner and some guest napkins. Definitely will be going back to that store.
Came off the island...grabbed some food, then headed home to eat and nap. Managed to put some laundry in the dryer. Next thing I know, it's 7 pm and C is asking me what I'd like for take out from Longhorne.
Amazing. My husband for once got off work early! We cuddle on the couch, eat, turn Netflix on and bam....he's snoring. God the poor man is tired too. Working 6 days a week, 12+ hrs a.day will catch up to you.
So I wake him up enough to get him to go to bed.
Check my phone upstairs.
I have 2 calls and 4 texts from TM. She has to be to work at 7 am and wants me to pick the kids up from her house where her fiancé will be watching them. Oooookay.
It's 11 pm but I say sure! What else can I say? 7 am pickup from her house it is. She texts me the address and I'll be up in less than 6 hrs to go get my crew.
It was nice to have a break while it lasted. Looks like I'm back to a life of online grocery shopping, biking, laundry and responsibility of a mom. This is the life of a full time step mom. It's not for the faint of heart.
Tomorrow will be prep for the week. Dinner with the inlaws. Lunches, clothes, stripping linens and making up beds, cleaning and hopefully HOPEFULLY church. I miss church. But that's another story.
Married, working mom life of 4 stepkids. Not "my kids" but MY CREW. Don't mess with my H pack! Mine.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Things I've learned as a mom...
1. NEVER put 2 girls with opposite personalities in the same swim class
2. Always count on having laundry, I'm averaging 2 loads a day and I'm still behind
3. You will dream of having double ovens, double dishwashers, double washer and dryers and a maid.
4. Summer camp and grandparents are lifesavers
5. Going to the pool as a parent is so not as fun as a non parent. If you're a parent, you're by default going in even if the water is freezing
6. Sand is of the devil. That applies for sand boxes, playgrounds, and beaches. I daily clean little piles of sand from the floor.
7. You need a good vacuum cleaner, a broom and a mop
8. Diaper wipes are still useful even when no one wears diapers any longer. Cheetos fingers? No problem. Jam on a shirt? Done.
9. At some point you will call your mom or dad and apologize for your actions as a child
10. Your parents will laugh at you
11. Your parents will turn against you and buy the children noisy toys, candy, smelly bubbles, and glitter everything
12. You'll debate each night whether to go to bed early or catch up on Netflix or a book. Sleep always wins.
13. They are petri dishes. The only thing they willingly share is pestilence
14. Life revolves around knowing where the closest bathroom is at all times. Bathrooms are crucial.
15. It's all worth it when you get to be on the receiving end of hugs and kisses goodnight and the I Love you drawings
2. Always count on having laundry, I'm averaging 2 loads a day and I'm still behind
3. You will dream of having double ovens, double dishwashers, double washer and dryers and a maid.
4. Summer camp and grandparents are lifesavers
5. Going to the pool as a parent is so not as fun as a non parent. If you're a parent, you're by default going in even if the water is freezing
6. Sand is of the devil. That applies for sand boxes, playgrounds, and beaches. I daily clean little piles of sand from the floor.
7. You need a good vacuum cleaner, a broom and a mop
8. Diaper wipes are still useful even when no one wears diapers any longer. Cheetos fingers? No problem. Jam on a shirt? Done.
9. At some point you will call your mom or dad and apologize for your actions as a child
10. Your parents will laugh at you
11. Your parents will turn against you and buy the children noisy toys, candy, smelly bubbles, and glitter everything
12. You'll debate each night whether to go to bed early or catch up on Netflix or a book. Sleep always wins.
13. They are petri dishes. The only thing they willingly share is pestilence
14. Life revolves around knowing where the closest bathroom is at all times. Bathrooms are crucial.
15. It's all worth it when you get to be on the receiving end of hugs and kisses goodnight and the I Love you drawings
No one is an island (Part 3)
Throughout all of this, I've come to the realization who my true friends are. I have some good ones. I won't call you by name, but TYR, MD, TAR, LL, FCS, LH, RD, JB, GA, CL.... THANK YOU.
Thank you for calling, texting, reaching out. Checking on me. I was down, majorly depressed, about to have a mental breakdown. Had to get off Facebook and refocusing. THANK YOU all. I'm still here!!!
One friend reminded me last week that "no one is an island." It's been stuck in my head ever since. See? I was trying to be supermom with the cape and all. Do it ALL myself. But I can't do that. I have to have help. I have to be willing to let some things go and be OKAY with letting them go. Laundry, not making every gymnastics practice, breaking promises to the kids (I try so hard not to), dry cleaning, keeping the house spotless. All impossible to do ALL the time.
So I have a housekeeper now. Her name is Jessica. She comes every other week and she deep-cleans and vacuums. She's awesome, and I want to hug her.
I also have a dry cleaning service to pickup and dropoff Chris's clothes. He wears ties and collared shirts everyday to work. It's a weekly trip when I'm on top of things. When I'm not, it's every 2 weeks and a $90 bill. Now? I don't have to do anything but put his laundry in a bag on the porch and wait for it to show back up 3 days later.
Laundry? I do 2 loads a day. That's it. Sometimes it's more. Sometimes it's less. But that's the goal. I don't beat myself up if there are wet clothes in the washer. They get re-washed with an extra dose of white vinegar and an extra rinse. Damn the water bill.
The kids rooms? I do a periodic sweep through. I make them clean it. Crayons, pencils, stickers, scissors, glue sticks, are banned from upstairs and with cause. They have house duties. Put their clothes in the dirty clothes bin. Not leave socks downstairs. Keep shoes downstairs by the door. Hang up your towel. Unload/Load the dishwasher. Simple attainable stuff. Say please and thank you. Please stop screaming at your sister.
Even Mo helps. He helps me load the washer and dryer, take out the trash (with Chris now), and set the table. Thankfully he loves to help. I hope this stage lasts forever.
I'm blessed. Not everyone who has 4 kids are able to farm out dry cleaning or house cleaning to someone else. I hope we can sustain as long as possible to keep my sanity. We use grandma, who's down the street, as a sitter. She's a lifesaver too. There's just some days when I need to run errands without 3 I-have-to-touch-everything-now kiddos tagging along. But most days, it's the 5 of us, doing our thing in Target, Kmart, Piggly Wiggly, Family Dollar, and Walgreens. Google Activity shows my daily circuit. With 4 kids and no reinforcements, you can't stay home. You'll go insane. You have to move. You have to ride bikes, send them outside, go to the pool, go the park, SOMETHING. And as much as the introverted me loves a good nap, sometimes, it's just not possible. I dream of the day of being able to nap in peace without the fear of having a destroyed house when I wake up -- Mo has 15 more years til he's out the house -- maybe then!
Thank you for calling, texting, reaching out. Checking on me. I was down, majorly depressed, about to have a mental breakdown. Had to get off Facebook and refocusing. THANK YOU all. I'm still here!!!
One friend reminded me last week that "no one is an island." It's been stuck in my head ever since. See? I was trying to be supermom with the cape and all. Do it ALL myself. But I can't do that. I have to have help. I have to be willing to let some things go and be OKAY with letting them go. Laundry, not making every gymnastics practice, breaking promises to the kids (I try so hard not to), dry cleaning, keeping the house spotless. All impossible to do ALL the time.
So I have a housekeeper now. Her name is Jessica. She comes every other week and she deep-cleans and vacuums. She's awesome, and I want to hug her.
I also have a dry cleaning service to pickup and dropoff Chris's clothes. He wears ties and collared shirts everyday to work. It's a weekly trip when I'm on top of things. When I'm not, it's every 2 weeks and a $90 bill. Now? I don't have to do anything but put his laundry in a bag on the porch and wait for it to show back up 3 days later.
Laundry? I do 2 loads a day. That's it. Sometimes it's more. Sometimes it's less. But that's the goal. I don't beat myself up if there are wet clothes in the washer. They get re-washed with an extra dose of white vinegar and an extra rinse. Damn the water bill.
The kids rooms? I do a periodic sweep through. I make them clean it. Crayons, pencils, stickers, scissors, glue sticks, are banned from upstairs and with cause. They have house duties. Put their clothes in the dirty clothes bin. Not leave socks downstairs. Keep shoes downstairs by the door. Hang up your towel. Unload/Load the dishwasher. Simple attainable stuff. Say please and thank you. Please stop screaming at your sister.
Even Mo helps. He helps me load the washer and dryer, take out the trash (with Chris now), and set the table. Thankfully he loves to help. I hope this stage lasts forever.
I'm blessed. Not everyone who has 4 kids are able to farm out dry cleaning or house cleaning to someone else. I hope we can sustain as long as possible to keep my sanity. We use grandma, who's down the street, as a sitter. She's a lifesaver too. There's just some days when I need to run errands without 3 I-have-to-touch-everything-now kiddos tagging along. But most days, it's the 5 of us, doing our thing in Target, Kmart, Piggly Wiggly, Family Dollar, and Walgreens. Google Activity shows my daily circuit. With 4 kids and no reinforcements, you can't stay home. You'll go insane. You have to move. You have to ride bikes, send them outside, go to the pool, go the park, SOMETHING. And as much as the introverted me loves a good nap, sometimes, it's just not possible. I dream of the day of being able to nap in peace without the fear of having a destroyed house when I wake up -- Mo has 15 more years til he's out the house -- maybe then!
No one is an island (Part 2)
So I left off hinting about my health. If you've read previous blogs from last year, you know that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a tinge of depression. In the last year, I found stability (for the most part). I've had maybe 1 panic attack that I can think of. The meds, the therapy have HELPED. I'm sane with them. Because I had gone a year stable, and because with an impending marriage, and me thinking (stupid me) that we'd be getting pregnant soon, Dr E and I decided to wean me off the clonazepam. It's a class D drug and not recommended during pregnancy because of known risk of cleft palate (in RABBITS).
So I began to wean in March. Stupid. STUPID me. By the end of April and with a wedding coming up, I was completely off the clonazepam. Still on the fluoxetine (Prozac), but no benzo for the anxiety. BIG MISTAKE.
Let's just say that in the last two months, I was the Jekyll to my husband. Yelling, irratibility, crying jags, moments where I felt nothing, moments where I just wanted to be alone forever. Emotional Rollercoaster #viviangreen, for real. Not only that, I started to lose productivity at work. My migraines began to increase. I was having a migraine ever 2-3 days. Days where light or noise or any of the things that constitute daily living were like a jackhammer in my head. With a husband and 3 kids (at the time), I was in hell. Sundays would come and all I could do was sleep. There were days when dinner constituted junk food paradise for the kids (chips, popcorn, chocolate milk, candy...whatever they wanted). And my work continued to decline.
Last week came the reckoning. I realized that I was losing control and quickly. I felt like I was going insane and something was going to snap (likely me). I fortunately had my regular 3 month checkup with Dr E already scheduled. Realizing I would need more than just meds -- I needed to vent -- I reached out to Dr. M, who was able to fit me in on her lunch hour. THANK YOU DR. M!! I really, truly think she saved my life on Monday. I vented. I cried a bit. I talked. She listened. She didn't judge. She hugged me twice. She congratulated me on the marriage. She inquired about the children, TM, my parents, DH, his parents -- I mean, it ALL came out. I walked out of there lighter.
I followed up that appointment with 30 minutes with Dr. E who quickly shook her head and my relapse since weaning off the clonazepam. So back on it I went. She called in my normal meds. Gave me a script for the benzos and back from Raleigh I drove. Honestly, I could probably change doctors since all 3 of my care providers are in Cary/Chapel Hill, but they're so good that I don't want to. I'm willing to make the 2.5 hour drive. So if you need a psychologist or a psychiatrist who are WORTH the drive, and who I won't give up? Shoot me a message. I will definitely recommend them.
Since then, I'm feel much better. I'm sleeping again. I'm breathing again. I'm able to keep calm and not be irritated by the milk on the floor or the cereal spilled on the counter. I'm writing this blog again. I'm swimming again. Heck, I feel almost normal. I still have moments. But now instead of flipping out, I can do my breathing exercises and calm down. I can put on music or spray some calming spray that I have called Temple Spa and just BE. My DH is thankful. I've apologized to him about the last month or two, but ladies and gents, he's been a gem. I'm thankful to have him. I'm grateful he is there. He's my rock. And I'm thankful we exchanged vows in May.
So where does that leave me now? I'm on meds for the foreseeable future. I'm handling married life and 4 kids and a semi-clean house. I'm conquering the laundry pile. And I survived a harsh but enlightening performance review at work. I thankfully, have an understanding boss. I took advantage of his grace and mercy and trust -- and now can't do that anymore. But I don't have to. I'm back on it. And I feel much better. Hopefully as the meds get more in my system, it'll get better. I'm not planning on coming off them even if I get pregnant (which won't be for awhile). Me on meds is worth any small minute risk versus me being off meds and having a mental breakdown. At the most, Dr. E has said she could switch me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it....
So I began to wean in March. Stupid. STUPID me. By the end of April and with a wedding coming up, I was completely off the clonazepam. Still on the fluoxetine (Prozac), but no benzo for the anxiety. BIG MISTAKE.
Let's just say that in the last two months, I was the Jekyll to my husband. Yelling, irratibility, crying jags, moments where I felt nothing, moments where I just wanted to be alone forever. Emotional Rollercoaster #viviangreen, for real. Not only that, I started to lose productivity at work. My migraines began to increase. I was having a migraine ever 2-3 days. Days where light or noise or any of the things that constitute daily living were like a jackhammer in my head. With a husband and 3 kids (at the time), I was in hell. Sundays would come and all I could do was sleep. There were days when dinner constituted junk food paradise for the kids (chips, popcorn, chocolate milk, candy...whatever they wanted). And my work continued to decline.
Last week came the reckoning. I realized that I was losing control and quickly. I felt like I was going insane and something was going to snap (likely me). I fortunately had my regular 3 month checkup with Dr E already scheduled. Realizing I would need more than just meds -- I needed to vent -- I reached out to Dr. M, who was able to fit me in on her lunch hour. THANK YOU DR. M!! I really, truly think she saved my life on Monday. I vented. I cried a bit. I talked. She listened. She didn't judge. She hugged me twice. She congratulated me on the marriage. She inquired about the children, TM, my parents, DH, his parents -- I mean, it ALL came out. I walked out of there lighter.
I followed up that appointment with 30 minutes with Dr. E who quickly shook her head and my relapse since weaning off the clonazepam. So back on it I went. She called in my normal meds. Gave me a script for the benzos and back from Raleigh I drove. Honestly, I could probably change doctors since all 3 of my care providers are in Cary/Chapel Hill, but they're so good that I don't want to. I'm willing to make the 2.5 hour drive. So if you need a psychologist or a psychiatrist who are WORTH the drive, and who I won't give up? Shoot me a message. I will definitely recommend them.
Since then, I'm feel much better. I'm sleeping again. I'm breathing again. I'm able to keep calm and not be irritated by the milk on the floor or the cereal spilled on the counter. I'm writing this blog again. I'm swimming again. Heck, I feel almost normal. I still have moments. But now instead of flipping out, I can do my breathing exercises and calm down. I can put on music or spray some calming spray that I have called Temple Spa and just BE. My DH is thankful. I've apologized to him about the last month or two, but ladies and gents, he's been a gem. I'm thankful to have him. I'm grateful he is there. He's my rock. And I'm thankful we exchanged vows in May.
So where does that leave me now? I'm on meds for the foreseeable future. I'm handling married life and 4 kids and a semi-clean house. I'm conquering the laundry pile. And I survived a harsh but enlightening performance review at work. I thankfully, have an understanding boss. I took advantage of his grace and mercy and trust -- and now can't do that anymore. But I don't have to. I'm back on it. And I feel much better. Hopefully as the meds get more in my system, it'll get better. I'm not planning on coming off them even if I get pregnant (which won't be for awhile). Me on meds is worth any small minute risk versus me being off meds and having a mental breakdown. At the most, Dr. E has said she could switch me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it....
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