Birthday and new prospects

Tuesday was my 32nd birthday.

And I spent it with someone.

A guy.

So much has happened in the last few months that has changed my outlook a bit. Surprisingly, I'm handling it fairly well. Anxiety is on a 2 most days. My thoughts of babies and TTC have not waned. But what has changed is how I may go about this.

This past May, I met someone. After some discussion of my singleness, we had a conversation about my planning to TTC within the next year. How I was saving money and clearing debt in preparation for this. Of course, like any typical guy, he without thinking replied, "What about using my sperm?"

*Cut the music* Um. Wha?

The wheels started turning. Could I have found a known sperm donor? Or was this guy more boyfriend/spouse/get PG the traditional way material? So in the last few months, I've contemplated relationships, my singleness, children, and how I want to go about this. I haven't really been impressed with the idea of a known donor. But mainly because I wasn't comfortable with trolling for a KD on the internet. I apologize if I offend anyone with this, but this is how I feel. The other thing is that I'm still young. Not 20s young, but I still have time (a little bit) to think about it. My decision to become an SMC was born out of my frustration with dating and the guys out there. I also know that my fertility is headed down a slope, and I wanted to get ahead of it rather than putting it off until I'm 37, 38, 39, and struggling to get pregnant. I'm in a good spot to take care of and raise a child. But there was always that hope that I would meet someone even if it happened after I had a baby.

So where is my head now?

Well, I've decided to try dating again, and I'm happy to report that I'm currently in a relationship with this guy (we'll call him H for now). H and I have been dating for 3 months now and it's been enlightening. H is a divorced dad of 4 kids and -- get this -- wants more. Right now I love the idea of a big family, but it's a lot to go from thinking/planning to TTC on my own to being a stepmom to 4 small kids (all under age 8). Where does that leave TTC on my own and being an SMC? Well that leaves me putting SMChood on the back burner for awhile. I'd like to see where this goes. For one, when kids are involved, especially other people's kids, things take a lot more time than a kid-free relationship. But while I take a break, I'm still clearing debt. I'm still decluttering and planning for a newer, kid friendly car. I'm still getting my thyroid and anxiety under control. But I am dating someone, and at some point in the near future, I'll have to decide if I want to pursue becoming a mom the traditional route. I feel the need to give him and us a decent shot. I like this guy a lot. Other than the kids and a (probably loco) ex-wife, he's pretty awesome. Handsome, hardworking, respectful, and smart. We spent my birthday together (the Ex had the kids) and everything was natural, normal and just clicked. We binged watched movies and ate pancakes. It was pretty nice.

So that's where I'm at. I'm still a member of the SMC Forum. But I'm back to thinking rather than actively planning. I want to explore this and give it some time to mature. But I also know that if it doesn't work out, I have the tools and am strong enough to do this on my own.